"Human Stuff" [Email sent 06/06/2020]

The Salt Co. Diaries

[Britni] Hello all and happy weekend to you 9-5ers. For me, Friday's are the beginning of my work week, which I find gives me an excuse to drink wine on my Friday (Tuesday) and on actual Friday (Friday) because, you know, it's Friday. For those of you who have been following this bizarre email diary; yes, I gave up on my ridiculous New Year's resolution to quit drinking for the year of 2020 and have no regrets about doing so. I went about 7 months without a drop, after an outlandish goal I made on a whim.. I think I proved to myself whatever I needed to and no, I am not doing keg stands with Everclear (at least not yet). I have, however, still flossed every single day of 2020 so far - the last resolution I have left.  I am clinging on to it for dear life with slightly neurotic, yet above average dental hygiene.

So here I am, on Friday, June 5th, 2020.. drinking a glass of wine and writing an email that I can't believe people actually read.

It feels as if the world is crumbling beneath our feet and everything about the human race seems as fragile as the tiny foreskin of a baby humming bird boy, unhatched, still in its puny little egg.* Today, monumental events of world history are at their peak.. and before I write, I ask myself: What could I possibly say that would matter right now? ...me, a white girl in small town Alaska. What do I know?

[insert worthless, white girl, shrug emoji here]

Someone replied to my last email and was like: "girl, I love you but please don't get political.. I'm so sick of the politics". And I'm typically at the very least "irked" by criticism slash "hate-mail" and advice especially, but this time, I was like: 

You're right. 

... Something I almost NEVER say.. (I bet Casey just spit his drink out reading this).

This doesn't mean I don't feel feelings, have an opinion or believe in change, movements and revolutions.. I stand strongly in them and will voice them where I feel comfortable.. BUT, I do believe, with all that I've got, that laughter is the best medicine. So when shit gets real, real I want to use my voice to make people laugh, to share my human experience and to hopefully create a connection that we all need to one another, right now more than ever. While we all have so many differences, we are so polarized and rooted in where we stand, I firmly believe the next step towards a peaceful humanity begins with finding common ground. So, that is just what I will continue to do.. share my human experience and hopefully, it will bring something positive to our kind. 

And, of course of course, sell some salt so we can keep the lights on and I can keep writing these emails.


*I challenge you to think of something more fragile than this.. and also to not think about little, uncircumcised bird dicks.


 
Everyone right now:

Over the last few days I've been trying to think of some really human stuff to share, even if at the expense of my own embarrassment threshold - which is pretty fucking high, obviously.

Here is what I have come up with:

In 7th grade choir class I let a tiny, tiny little silent-but-deadly, slip and it instantly cleared about 30 middle school kids off of the risers. I watched as everyone around me quickly switched from singing in peaceful harmony to rioting in absolute chaos, screaming and shouting as they scattered around the room.

Fingers were pointing and the false accusations were starting rumors almost as quickly as that teeny little fart escaped my bum and ruined the air quality for so many innocent, little singers. I of course, never claimed this crime and have never even spoken of it until this day. 

 

 

I ran cross country in high school and once on a solo evening run, I very suddenly, and ironically, got the runs. And by suddenly, I mean I  hardly got off the shoulder of a very public road before I dropped my drawers and sprinklered someone's lawn with my ass. I am sure someone must have seen me... there's just no way around it. But thankfully, I didn't see anyone see me. I just scooted behind a fence, removed my socks, defiled them, then left them for someone to mow over later.. because, what the fuck else could I do? I don't approve of littering, but in this case, the stinky walk of shame home, carrying them, simply wasn't something I was about to put myself through.
Later that day I discovered a canteen I had been drinking from had soap suds when I dumped it out.. 

#oh #that'lldo'er

This also just happened to me recently on Diamond Creek trail, and Casey, bless his heart, without hesitation, cut the top of his sock off and gifted it to me. He's a gem like that - a real keeper.

Ok, this one is a little harder to share.. but it's for the good of humanity (and hopefully some god-damn sales).. (deep breath) here we go.

When Casey and I decided to get married, I knew there was one, deep, dark secret I had to share with him, that he needed to know before I could allow him to commit to a life-long relationship with me. I knew if he heard this truth and still wanted to marry me then it must be real, true love. So, (gulp), I told him... 

Before you marry me, there is something you need to know:

I tweeze my nipple hairs. 

And he didn't even blink twice, in fact, he laughed. 

I was like, no, I'm serious! Thick, black ones that don't belong on this body!

My theory is that some of my dad's genetics got confused with my mom's.. and I wound up with some of his nipple hairs?. I don't even have dark hairs on my body, like, anywhere, (besides my nipples).

And Casey just shrugged it off... and still loved me. He loved me a bunch then and probably loves me more now, even if (when) I get lazy and forget to tweeze my nipple hairs. 

There you go, folks. I'm just a human. Tweezin' hair and slingin' salt - trying to make the most of my strange life. For whatever reason, I ended up in this weird place swearing online to get people to buy sea salt.. The older I get, the less surprised I am about stuff... So let's get on with it..

For this email it was difficult to decide what the best discount code would be..

ASS-SPRINKLER, NIPPLE-HAIR, POOFY-POOF, SILENT-BUT-DEADLY...

But, my favorite was:

BABY.BIRD.DICK

 

aaannd it's expired now, thanks for reading :) -b


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