Our Fan Dave.

Hello Britni,

I don't know if you remember, but my previous offer is still good -- I'll happily pay $20/month for the privilege and notoriety of being a VIP Saltie, or perhaps a member of the Salty Inner Circle. The latter feels a bit cult-like, but I'm not sure that's necessarily a bad thing. 
I'm now going to lay out my reasons why I think you should take me up on this and why you could expand on it.
I'm going to lay out my case in a way that I hope will be at least somewhat entertaining. Feel free to take this idea and run with it -- and/or I'm also willing to help you develop it further. Be sure to use the single-use discount code I'll be including at the bottom of this email.
First, some context:
1) I fucking LOVE your emails. 
And I take pride in being quick on the delete trigger. So much so that I frequently have conversations with the emails that I'm deleting or unsubscribing from. When I get typical spammy emails with trite subject lines, I mouth a sarcastic reply out loud.  
 For instance, if the subject line reads: "How can we better serve you?" 
I mouth the words "By not sending me stupid fucking emails." [delete]
Them: "You can't refuse this, Dave."
Me: "Yes I can, and I just did. Fuck off." [deletes without opening]
"This is your last chance to buy blah blah blah"
Me: "I wish I could believe that. Fuck off." [delete]
I have pretty much zero patience with emails that aren't entertaining or highly useful. I generally don't open or read anything.
But Alaska Salt Company emails, on the other hand?
I will read those first thing in the morning, before I do any actual work.
There are only 4 business senders whose emails I read regularly without being forced to:
1) Yours
2) The Hustle (business news)
3) The Morning Brew (also business news)
4) My stepsister Adrienne
I've even saved up a list of my favorite discount codes of yours to date. Here's what I've collected so far:
  • ALASKANBAMBIFARTS
  • MICHAELPHELPSSSPERMONSTEROIDS
  • SEXYSALTMAN
  • SLAPPINSLOPPIES
  • TA-TA-FUCKS
  • VAJAYJAY
  • ZOMBIE.WAR.PEACE.FLAG.
2) I believe you are sitting on a salty gold mine.
Lest you get the impression that I'm writing you this email because I'm either retired, unemployed, or otherwise just a guy with no life and too much time on my hands, rest assured that is not the case.
I am recently self-employed, building a service-based business and up to my eyeballs in work and unanswered emails. Hence my lack of patience with spammy promotional bullshit.
I am frequently up late at night and then up early the next morning, because I'm wired from a combination of excitement about the new clients that I'm bringing on board, stressed as fuck about what I have to manage and trying to steel myself mentally for the next 20 years or so of pretty much not having a life outside of my business. (I'm 43 years old, and I figure I'll probably work until I'm dead, but my next 20 years will probably be the most productive). I dream about client work (literally) and I'm obsessed with what I'm building. So lately I've been waking up at 4:30am, unable to go back to sleep. And I don't have a $50K/month payroll like you do. I'm currently by myself, just now in the process of starting to pay myself as an employee.
Having worked with a number of business owners over the last 15 years, I can viscerally feel the pain of what you shared in your last message -- specifically the number of steps required to launch a new product. I also can't help but to think about the costs incurred each step, eating away at your margins like little Pac-Men. With all of your ability to hustle and grind like a beast, I can't help but to think what would be possible if your mad skillz were applied to a more streamlined revenue model. 
And then, an idea came to me.
 
With your uncanny writing ability (which I can greatly appreciate, having done copywriting for 10 years myself) and your marketing hustle, I now return to the question of what it would mean if people like me could join your Salty Fan Club. Mainly, it would mean a zero-COGS revenue stream with no product launches, no labels, no pain-in-the-ass customers, no shipping, no labor and with pretty much infinite scalability. (COGS = accounting speak for "cost of goods sold")
But that leaves the question -- what's in it for Dave (and the other Salt Groupies like him)? And why am I writing this email at zero dark thirty instead of adulting?
Why should anyone pay to join this club?
I'm getting to that.
3) We (your fans) want to support you, but that's currently hard for us to do.
Even though I don't personally know any of your other fans, I am fairly certain that I'm not the only one who actively wants you to succeed and would be willing to pony up some cash in exchange for the ego-strokes that come with knowing that I was a small part of the Great Alaskan Salt Revolution (GASR). In fact I'm sure there are hundreds more. We are a growing movement. See what you started?
Anyhow, there's currently no mechanism for us to financially demonstrate our support, other than buying salt, bath bombs, candles, etc. I do plan to periodically make some gift purchases from your store, but you don't sell any merchandise that fits into categories that I naturally buy on a consistent monthly basis.
Also, when I factor in the costs of producing and shipping a product, I have to factor in that if I make purchases to support you, a percentage of my money will be eaten up before it gets to you. The labor portion I'm okay with, because at least that part helps to buy Holly a car, but I think we can do better.
But there's a much stronger value proposition to be had here than just being a member of a club. We, Your Fans, have a much greater self-interest in forking over our cash.
4) You have some badass business knowledge worth a mint.
And here we arrive at the untapped gold mine.
If you shared your experience in a more step-by-step way, I personally would pay to read the story in your emails.
If you told us the story of how you built the Alaskan Salt Company from the ground up, in your usual entertaining and F-Bomb-laden manner, in a way that we could replicate in our own respective endeavors, I could easily see paying month after month, and getting sucked into more expensive upsells.
Just a couple ideas off the cuff:
  • Exclusive live Q&A sessions about how to build a salty venture, open only to paying members
  • High-ticket business consulting, specifically for people wanting to sell products online
  • Your salty biography in a book (old skool, yes, but it still works)
5) Your fans want to meet each other.
I want to meet the other Salty Fuckers who read your emails like I do. I don't know them and I already like them.
Anyone who is willing to pay to be part of your fan club? I REALLY want to meet those people.
Let's form Voltron, Motherfucker.
6) There are people with dying dreams out there.
Over this past holiday season, I have personally exchanged emails with two business owners who closed up shop because they couldn't make it work.
That makes me really sad.
You, on the other hand, are unstoppable.
I'm on a personal quest to help more businesses find the secret ingredient for unstoppability. If I could put that shit in a bottle and sell it, I'd already be a trillionaire. Still working on that.
Meanwhile, I think you have potential to be the Obi-Wan Kenobi of small business.
You can teach many Lukes out there to Use The Force.
In the past 15 years, I've seen more small businesses collapse than succeed. Some of them had no hope to begin with. But there were others that could have worked, if only.
If only the owners had gotten the message in time. From someone like you.
This email is an appeal. As much as I've tried to be funny, there is a serious element here. You have real gold here, and I think you can make a humungous difference for a lot of struggling entrepreneurs out there battling their demons.
For many people in bad situations (emotionally and/or financially), building a business is the only way out that offers a chance.
Your ability to push past the demons of self-doubt, self-criticism and human inertia required to launch a venture such as the Alaskan Salt Company is nothing short of epic.
Most people quit before they get anywhere near as far as you have.
I would pay to support the effort of helping get your message in front of the people who are about to quit, but could still be tipped the other way.
And last but not least....
7) You could create a way for us all to make money with you.
 
If you think I'm about to suggest that you build some sort of pyramid scheme...
Then you're already ahead of me.
What if I could not only pay to enjoy more of your snarky emails and other salty offerings -- but also sucker my friends and family into giving you their money?
If I were getting a cut, that would make things interesting and would change my motivation.
I think I've given you enough to chew on for one email. I'll close with an open-ended offer if you'd like to pick my brain on any of the above. Feel free to shoot me an email or call/text me at 123. I won't ask for any payment or reciprocation. (This was supposed to be about me giving you money, after all). I want to be a part of the GASR. Take what you like and leave the rest -- but I hope you were able to at least get some insights from this. Be sure to mention the following discount code:
#LETSFORMVOLTRONMOTHERFUCKER
In Salty Solidarity,
Your Fan Dave

9 comments

  • Ally Visconti

    I don’t know if I should be ashamed or proud that I knew what Voltron was. I do own all of the comic book series from the mid-80s and early 90s…in mint condition because I bought them new. #weallhaveapast #intheclosetformervoltronfanatic

  • Annie Berg

    OMG, count me the fuck in!!

  • Theresa St. James

    Awesome. Sign me up! He gets it, I get it, we need more “getters.”

  • Mimi Brooks

    i need a Dave in my life. 💘

  • KATHLEEN RENE KIEFER

    I fuckin love what Dave wrote and agree – I would subscribe.

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