The Revolt [sent on 4-9-20]

[Britni] Woah, you guys.

I am both overwhelmed with love from our amazing, salty newsletter recipients and, also, surprised that y'all don't have a little more faith in me to not just bend over and take it from a few measly unsubscribers. 

Let me explain.

We have NEVER received so many replies to an email newsletter as we did yesterday and today. No, not in response to the emails with glittery language like "prude ass bitch" or "sucking a donkey-sized dick" or "rapidly deteriorating fucks given" .. Nope, not those emails. YOU ALL WENT AWOL when you thought I wasn't going to swear and be vulgar anymore. My phone hasn't stopped blowing up with emails, Facebook messages, and even texts. Casey and I *cannot* stop laughing at this response from you all that is continuing to flood in as I type this.

You guys are awesome.

I did say, though, that it would be just one appropriate email for the professionals. Sheesh. And you all about lost your shit..  

Hang with me.. this gets better. It is important you read this email all the way to the end.
Some of your responses were uplifting: "Just be you girl, haters gonna hate" and other were just down right hilarious. Below I have copied and pasted some of my favorite quotes from the responses we have received in the last 24 hours. Oh, and I ranked them in order of my faves:
Bronze Medal Responses  

"Bring back the Britni we love... if they are prudes let them go away. I ordered recently because of your wonderful humor"
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"No! Get rid of the appropriateness! Your newsletters are so funny and I actually read them in full. A newsletter...from a store...a salt store... That’s a pretty great feat! Keep it up :)"
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"I like your smoked salt. You can’t offend me."
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"I am a fan of your emails, potty mouth included! You are a joy in these troubled times! I do want to mention I'm 70 years young. Not offended!"
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"You’re wildly unrefined for a reason. I understand business “decorum” BUT...helllooo wildly unrefined slogan means “thou shalt not be offended.”"
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"You rock. Swear on!"


Silver Medal Responses

"I really liked the baby moose toots and the stories behind the names. Very fun. Except ...not offensive. I was ready to be offended. Now I’m disappointed"
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"This email was BORING!!! ZzZzZz. I believe I got half way through and said “fuck it” "
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"Once I have an income again I’m going going to order a shit ton of stuff from you! Rock (sea salt style) On Gurl!"
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"I mean you take the time to write them and if people get offended them they can just eff off! OH WELL! they make me laugh! and don't stop being you! The emails are real and its easy for those easily offended to unsubscribe! thanks for being a rainbow in the storm!"
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"Don’t be sorry.  Can I order products now . I need to get back to being fuckin salty ;)"
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My Gawd, so boring I fell asleep. Please don’t stop being your hilarious, genuine self. You don’t need lame ass customers anyway. 😘😁😘
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"Hey, Fuck those people. They probably need to have a stick removed from their asses."
 
Ok, we are going to take a quick break from the response award ceremony for me to explain to all of you sheltered prudes out there that my last email had a salty surpriseat the end. 

The entire email was a lead up to my most inappropriate joke yet.. and most of you missed it.

This was the discount at the end of the email:
So you all either A) just couldn't stomach that dry email and didn't read to the end before you started replying and complaining about being bored or B) you don't know what a salty facial is.

For those identifying with option B, allow me to enlighten you.
That one isn't even the worst definition of a "salty facial"... But since you all asked for the trashy good stuff.. I'm not stopping here.

(explicit content warning) (sorry dad)

A salty facial is also when a person goes down on a man and performs.. you know.. (in a coin flip, not tails) .. until completion. Then, at the very end when the man is done and he.. ahem.. *cough.. BLASTS HIS FAMILY SEED all over the performer's face, they have just received a "salty facial".

I just assumed everyone already knew that. (I'm not saying everyone is into it.. just that I thought you would have at least heard about it).

I've been holding onto that "salty facial" card FOREVER. I've thought of using it as a discount code so many times and was like, no.. that's too raunchy. So, I saved it for the finale of my most lady-like email ever.. ahh. And it was worth the wait, even if it was just for me. I'm still dying.

So here I am, on April 9th, 2020, writing an email newsletter for my family-owned sea salt harvesting business, explaining what a salty facial is to an audience that is statistically way older than me.

I fucking love my job.
Do you guys get it now? ^

Our emails: the person about to throw it down.
Unsubscribers: the person being served a salted nut sandwich.

And you guys thought I would send a clean email. SMH.
Now, for the Gold Medalists!
(I knew I had to do a little explaining before I could reveal these hilarious responses, my thoughts in red)
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"I think my husband gave me a salty facial once. 😝"
omg.. the emoji.
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"Forget the prudes/haters and keep the creative juices (ha!) flowing. Every other product description in the world is boring AF, but your new ones make me want to buy stuff."
creative juices.. only a man would turn that into a pun about semen, had me rolling though.
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"Well. They sound like they are in desperate need of any type of gasm......[orange]gasm, or[gasm], or shutthefuckup[gasm]."
yes. just yes.
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"Oh Lord, you're funny...okay, an eyebrow did go up but certainly nothing to an unsubscribe."
This one is from a really loyal customer and I don't know why but I can't stop laughing at "ok, an eyebrow did go up". This is how I imagine my parents, grandparents, and in-laws that read these emails all respond to my less than classy writings.. an eyebrow might go up, but they will love me anyway...
One person sent: "As someone who is also often told she is too salty and needs to tone it down, I say":
This one pretty much takes the cake. imo.
The craziest part about all of this email newsletter madness is that yesterday was one of our best days in sales since the 'VID... If y'all need me to talk dirty to you in a secret-salty-email-newsletter-club to buy our salt products... then that is exactly what I will do because I am having a blast with this. AND because we kind of need to sell our salt to feed our family.
Just a friendly reminder that this 20% off code is still valid until Friday night at midnight:
SALTY--------FACIAL
Expiration date: Apr 11, 2020
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It seems like you all appreciate these emails and I will definitely keep them rolling.

Our whole salt squad appreciates all of your responses so much. I started writing everyone back last night but I couldn't keep up, there were too many! But please know that we read them and we LOVE them.

Please help support our business by sharing the sign-up link for our "newsletter" (or whatever this is) with your friends and family.

emails = money. Its a strange world.

Thank you all so much. Stay safe, stay healthy, and always...

Stay Salty.

- Britni
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