So You're New Around Here...
^ Hi, This is me, Britni. Yes, the one on the right, you ass. I'll be the one writing most of these emails and I realized after a few months of writing them, the folks who have never met me probably imagine me as a 300-lbs-lady-boat-captain with bad hygiene and tattoos of poop emojis. I deserve to be imagined properly :) buuuut don't be fooled by my 12-year-old-school-girl-facade. Because I am actually, a little bit of a #saltybitch
First, thank you for subscribing to my diary and second, for not just jumping blindly into your first email "newsletter". I thought you deserved to have a fair warning about the content you might see in these before you get offended, send me some nasty hate mail, or worse..
They really aren't thaat bad, just a bit of swearin' and story tellin' and little sharing too much information. The other thing you should know is that these "newsletters" or rather, "diary entries" are not always about salt, or our products, or even about me (who TF am I trying to kid, I'm an only child). They could be about absolutely anything. In fact, they are usually about, well, whatever the 🔥 hell I feel like writing about, because I am a grown 🔥 ass woman with no boss and honestly I just really enjoy writing these emails.
🔥 How we doing? I thought I'd start out slow, warm you up here to get a feel for if you're really ready for one of my emails or not. It's all about the 🔥🔥 foreplay anyway, at least, that's always my favorite part.
Look, I know these emails are not for everyone (like prudes and saints, specifically), but I once threatened to stop swearing in emails and we got a 🔥🔥shit load of complaints, way more than any dirty email ever. So, that was awesome. I'm here for those people, the ones who complain about not enough swearing.
For those who can't stand the heat, I personally invite you to unsubscribe. In fact, please do right away. It's pretty simple. I write the emails, then, you can read them, not read them, forward them to all of your friends and family, or not. Whatever. Just don't complain to us, because, at this point you've been fairly 🔥🔥fucking warned. If you don't know how to unsubscribe from an email at this point, please don't ask us for help because I've already given up hope for you. and stopped caring. Just make a new email account.
🔥🔥 Hanging in there? If this is too much for you, seriously, GET THE FUCK OUT NOW! This is me weening out the PABs (prude ass bitches). Let's trim the fat here. Like, shit or get off the god damn pot, PRONTO!
You're still here? See, this is why I write these.. I just go on and on and believe it or not people actually fucking read this shit. It's awesome. I fucking LOVE my job.
I will be honest though, as much as I enjoy writing this weird email blog thing, the real reason I am here is to sell sea salt. I know, I have a pretty weird life. I write about 🔥🔥🔥 pooping, owning a salt company, working with my husband, tweezing those pesky 🔥🔥🔥 nipple hairs, 🔥🔥🔥 sex, parenting, business goals, 🔥🔥🔥 cunt-ass customers (🔥🔥🔥 "cuntomers") and so on, but the MAIN DEAL here is somehow getting all y'all to pull out those wallets and buy a bunch of our stuff. And trust me, I am just as surprised as you are that sometimes it actually fucking works.
🔥🔥🔥 doing ok? This part of the page is like being at the bar after last call (remember when we went to bars??). Just us weirdos left and our judge goggles fell off somewhere between here and the last bar we were at or they were traded for a tampon in the ladies room. But this feels safe to me... I like this space where I can be me, say whatever the fuck I want to say. stop caring about punctuation, grammar or beginning sentences with capital letters. I can start sentences with "but" or "and" WHICH I strangely LOVE DOING. Idk why (I can do that too, teen talk, IDGAF). I get to break the rules in this space and its pretty fun.
So, If you're up for it, don't unsubscribe and read along on this wildly unrefined, salty, email adventure.
Oh, this "newsletter" is also the first place we announce new products, give discounts and make any Alaska Salt Company related announcements.
---see, yuck, that last part was so boring, but it's true so I felt like I had to include it. I'm always honest... I literally can't lie.
If you like what you read, please share with your friends and wealthy family.
If you have something nice to say, please reply to the emails and spend a lot of money at our store. We love reading the nice stuff, and encouraging words - mostly the "hahahha" and the "I feel you, girl" vibe. But please know we don't always have time to (or care to) respond to everyone. Remember, we still have to make all of our products by hand and wrap them up and ship 'em out. AND I have two kids and a husband and a horse. you get it.
If you have something mean to say, go fuck yourself. and I mean that in the politest, most professional way possible. But really, please, no hate mail. At this point it is fair to say you know what you're getting into.
Thanks for reading and not unsubscribing.
Be Well & always... Stay Salty!
- Britni [salt lady] (Owner / Founder)
Are you still here? Jesus. You must be pooping. Even then, this is a long poop. Maybe you're bored or retired? Idk. I can't relate to any of those things.
I also (like, after being a mom, foster mom, wife, business owner, email writer and Schitt's Creek binge watcher) like to paint. My dream is to one day write comedy and paint for a living. So I am going to shamelessly leverage my family operated salt harvesting company to get my paintings out there....
aaannndd... yep. I don't feel bad about that. You only get one shot at this life and I'm not trying to waste any time. You can purchase one of each of these paintings for your your home after you get done reading here. yay.
Ok, off you go into your first email diary. Gods speed.