November 22, 2023

Pregnant lady problems [email sent 11-21-23]

The Salt Co. Diaries

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This email is loaded with swear words and graphic details about pregnant lady body parts - so if any of that offends you please scroll to the bottom and click unsubscribe!

[britni] Good Salty Morning,

At least, it's morning to me right now [7:53 am]. I've been wide awake since 5:00 am since sleeping, along with all other fun, enjoyable things is something the pregnant are not permitted to do.

I am currently 8+ months pregnant and things are getting pretty weird up in this bod. Specifically, there are two things I simply cannot do, that I have never heard any pregnant person ever speak of.
The first being that without some sort of reflective device, I CANNOT (if my life depended on it) see my own crotch/pubes.

Like. I just can't.

I don't even know how long this has been the case but it just dawned on me a couple of weeks ago that I hadn't seen my ole partner in a minute. and. I gave it a real, real hard try.

Now, if you're a long time reader, you know that I don't wear pubes. I personally find them to be unsightly and burdensome, but until recently didn't know there was an actual scientific reason for me not vibing with pubes. I thought my dislike for my own bush was a product of my generation, something I'd grow out of [pun intended] now that I'm in my thirties.

again. no dice.

What better time to try on pubes than whilst pregnant and physically unable to even see them? and let's be real... I've not just given up on hedge maintenance in my 3rd trimester, its been a long while since I've had but a single fuck to give about like, looking cute in general. And feeling sexy? [insert a dump truck full of laughing/crying emojis here].

But just I couldn't take them anymore. They are so GOD DAMN itchy!!!!

Now. I know what you're thinking (you judge-y little fucks); that I didn't let them grow out long enough and that I just need to give it more time..

But trust me....

Length t'was not the problem.

nope.

I started my No-Shave-November back in June.

The problem is that I have straight pubes. like, straight as an arrow. straight as a.. well, think of the straightest person or thing imaginable and by comparison my pubes are far straighter. and coarse little mother fuckers. (are we turned on yet lol).

So all day long it feels like there's a 1700s witches broom in my panties and I have to go about my day resisting the urge to subtly rub my crotch on every corner and piece of furniture I come across for some relief and I just couldn't take it any more.

I woke up yesterday and told myself I wouldn't go one more day without swathing that ginger hay field growing in the canyons of my thighs.

^For you city folk that don't know what a swather is..

But remember my little preggy problem? I can't even see said hay field. And I happen to not own a hand mirror or a full length mirror...

Casey and I had talked about it and he had offered to help me deforest myself. But honestly, with our fast paced life style, when was he going to have a spare 48 hours to bush whack his way though my ginger jungle?

So when he got in the sauna last night to relax for hours by himself and partake in meditation/self care.... I decided I was just going to go for it.

So here's the only mirror I had to work with:

sorry I didn't clean the sink for y'all.

Not ideal. but nothing was going to stop me.

The first thing that happened was complete, absolute, utter shock as I glimpsed my ass and thighs from this angle for the first time. Like I said, we don't have a full length mirror so I hadn't seen this side of myself in a minute and .... oh my me.

I've been eating like it's an olympic sport that I actually have a shot at taking the gold in.

Anyway.

I fired up the beard buzzer and started hacking away. But I really only felt comfortable doing the street view since the mirror is supes far away and this is operation was already sketchy af. I couldn't see all that well and balancing this Buddah body on one leg over the toilet felt like I was already pushing it..

But with nothing more than squinty eyes and sheer determination, I got the first part out of the way...

Then I hopped in the bath tub and had to just.. feel my way around with a razor blade..

and. If you haven't already imagined an Oompa Loompa with t-rex arms trying to reach their crotch in the bath tub, now would be the time...

Sorry you can never unimagine that.

I think I did a pretty good, clean job actually. I haven't seen for myself though, obviously. And I've trained Casey at this point in my pregnancy to just lie to me about being beautiful so I'll never really know.

It probably looks like I tried to fuck a poison ivy covered cactus with razor blade ornaments on it. who knows.

but what I DO know is that it feels like butter. and I am a brand. new. person.

When I got done it looked like a small, ginger rodent died in our bath tub last year and we just never got around to cleaning it up.

I plan on never letting things get so out of hand again.

The other thing I can't do that no one ever talks about is the worm.. but I'll save my thoughts on that for another day.

Sorry. No discount today.

Because we have an entire weekend of salty sales planned for y'all :)
so when you get your Holiday shop on this weekend, don't forget about us small potatoes.

But if I did do a code, I think it would be AMISHBEARD.

Don't forget today is the last day to enter our contest to win a year supply of free facial products :)

As always, thanks for reading y'all.

Have the Happiest Thanksgiving ever! I'll be back Friday with DEALS!!!!!!

xoxo the [no longer itchy] salt lady <3