A box that went the distance [email sent 11-13-20]
The Salt Co. Diaries
If this is your first salty email rodeo, do yourself a solid andread this fair warningbefore you get in over your head.. If you are new, or just lazy andmissed my last email,I think it was one of my best so far and I wouldn't want you to miss out.
[Britni] Hellooo my salty salties!! I have a new productANDa fun story for you in this edition of the "weird marketing email from the little salt company". Isn't this weird? It's weird for me too, but at the same time, it feels so right - we belong here and we're all in this together. Looks like we are in for another round of staying home a bunch [fuck you COVID - and not just 19, fuck all the COVIDs] so I will do my part in giving you something to read and laugh about.
As many of you may know, at Alaska Salt Co, we repurpose boxes dropped off by community members to ship our online orders in. This is something that has been super fun and we definitely don't want to give it up.However, sinceTikTokhappened, we've packed up and sent out about 1,000 orders. THAT IS A LOT OF BOXES you guys. and, for the first time in Salt Co. history, we bought some (ethically sourced / compostable) shipping boxes and envelopes. We just didn't have enough and its REALLY hard to sort through all of the rice-a-roni and TV dinner boxes in any kind of efficient manner with this volume of orders. Moving forward, we are going to use the fun boxes as much as we can because we love it, but some packages will go out in boring browns.. gah. So if you want your order to come in a fun box, please mention it in the order notes and we will do our absolute best...
(see why we are friends) And I quote"use your most embarrassing packaging material for this one".[insert evil, scheming emoji] [insert suspenseful music]
I honestly didn't think I would get away with this one. We have had SO MANY beer and wine boxes returned to us because USPS doesn't allow alcohol boxes. I've put little blank stickers all over them covering the beer parts with "not beer" "not beer" "for sure not beer" all over the box when it isclearlya beer box.. but...PROVE IT USPS!...
Needless to say, I've wasted a lot of time making those boxes work for us.
BUT! I did not ship her order in a beer box, no. I had averyspecial box waiting for just the right person, with just the right order and here it was in all of its glory, ready to be shipped from a tiny town in Alaska, all the way to the east coast:
A VIBRATING DILDO BOX!!!!! FOR THE WIN!!!!
How many employees of the United States Postal Service handled this naughty little box!? How many *PABs were like, "Um. Karen, do we have a policy about shipping materials with photos of adult play things on them??"
I don't know, but, this package went the distance and arrived safely in Virginia today and I think the box choice was well received [insert laughing and milk snorting out of nose emoji]. Lianne's super-cool-and-awesome mail man could not help himself and delivered the package all the way to the door instead of prudishly dropping it in her mailbox. I like that guy.
*Stands for prude-ass-bitches. You'll need to memorize this one for future quizzes.
I'm sure you all are wondering:
"So!!! Whose box was it? Where did it come from? Did someone just drop that off?"
You drama gobbling email mongers...
It was MINE!!!!! and the pink wiener box comes with a little bit of a funny story...
At the end of September my mom and I took my two kids on a two week trip to Colorado to visit our family (just typing that sentence out was stressful). Anyway, we live in tic-tac sized little town called Homer and have to drive 5 hours north to Anchorage to fly out of the state. We booked a hotel room near the airport for the night before ourfucking ridiculously earlyflight and Casey ever so generously, gave us a ride up.
As the five of us wheeled our luggage into the hotel room (around 9:45 pm) I had a devastating realization:
I FORGOT TO PACK MY ARTIFICIAL HUSBAND.
I tried not to panic and quickly pulled Casey aside to give him the bad news.. "Surviving two weeks apart was questionable to begin with, but now this!? What are we going to do!?" And this situation is how I now know I will pull through in times of crisis.. I didn't melt into a puddle of poor me.. I didn't flop onto the stiff hotel bed and give up all hopeandcanceling the tripdidn't evencross my mind.
I took action:
"Mom! you grab the defibrillator.. Casey, you.."
Just kidding. But seriously..
"Mom, you brush the kids' teeth and ready them for sleep. Casey, you call the only store in Alaska that sells these things (Castle Mega Store [insert looking around the room for who already knew that emoji]) to see what time they close."
Fuck. They close at 10:00 pm.
We only had 16 minutes to get in grab the vibrating-super-machine that would save our marriage.
In the car on the way I called them and let them know I was on the way and that this was sort of an emergency and to not close up shop early.
This is a 100% true story btw. Thankfully, there was no traffic.. because it's ALASKA!!!
We pulled into the parking lot at 9:56 and I raced inside. We got the "we're actually closing" speech upon arrival but I assured them that I'd be in and out of there faster than Michael Phelps's sperm on steroids. I grabbed the same model I've always had, a pack of batteries and we were outta there.
I tossed the box in my bag and didn't think about it again until we were in Colorado and on day fucking one I woke up to my 15 year old *cousin rummaging around in my suitcase. I know for a fact she for sure, 100% saw it. How could you not see that glittery pink beacon of joy, still in it's brand new little box.
Anyway, days later when I finally had one god-damn minute of privacy for the unveiling of my new, artificial partner (let's call her "Terri"), I knew right away that I couldnottoss the box! Ifor surehad to send someone a salt co package in it..
I carried that box in my suitcase, taking it away from my kids, trying to not let it fall out at my grandparent's house by mistake. This box traveled from Anchorage, to Denver, to Palisade and back to Denver (twice) before it made it all the way home to Homer where it would be stuffed (ironically) with salty goodies and shipped to Virginia. AND here it is now, making an appearance in your email boxes all around the world..
I must say, it was worth the hassle.
*some of you may have had some email correspondence with my dear Auntie April.. anyway.. it was her daughter that was digging through my suitcase.
I am not writing you this email just to tell you about travel scares, I am actually mostly here to tell you thatmy mom's candlesare BACK IN STOCK!!!! (oh yeah, selling stuff).
We forgot to take a picture of the back but the label reads:
"Warning! This is a candle. That means while in use, it will be on fire. So don't leave it unattended. Don't put your sweater on it. Don't knock it over. Don't touch the orange, hot, flamey part. Supervise your children while in use, and all the time."
You must be thinking: But Britni.. didn't you link yourfriend's candle companyin the same exact marketing email that you're trying to sell your own candles in?
Yes. I sure did because I know there are some super-small-business-heroes out there who feel good about supporting TWO companies that make candles at the same time. Oh and don't forget about my sweet Ma. That makes THREE small businesses :) [insert all the feel-good-y emojis here].
Plus, you canneverhave too many fucking candles.
That's me and my Ma in her kitchen this week, in preparation of me sending this email that now goes to 18k of you :)
"We're gonna need a lotta candles, ma".
If you managed to hang with me through this long email. You deserve some free shit. We don't have any free shit to give you but how about 10% off of your next order of overpriced candles or whatever else you impulse buy with this discount code:
Instead of typing that monster of a code you can click this link instead: https://alaskasaltco.com/discount/MichaelPhelpssSpermOnSteroids
This kind offer is only valid until 11-17-20 at 11:59, you guessed it, ALASKA time.
Thanks for hanging in there with this long one. Whew. Time for me to sign off here (12:38 am AK time), wouldn't want to keep Terri waiting.