Behind the scenes [email sent 12-17-20]

The Salt Co. Diaries

Is this your first email diary? Please read this fair warning before hitting reply and sending me some hate mail :)

If you didn't catch my last super dramatic email, you can catch up here...
[Britni] Hi Salties!!

Thanks for all the moral support after my last email :) You guys are the best friends I've ever had, I swear. and YES we fucking sold our 20 raffle tix in the eleventh hour. Thank you guys!! 

You must be wondering about the subject line of this email.. "behind the scenes?? what else could Britni show us besides her actual boobs at this point"... You've seen our sales reports, my marital issues, parenting stuff.. No matter how much I divulge, y'all can't seem to look away.. 

But this behind the scenes is a new one..
^ That's you guys. And.. honestly, I'm happy to take this one for the team.
I'd like to take you behind the scenes of my recent TikTok video. That might seem boring at first.. but trust me... The lengths at which I will go to to produce comedy are absolutely shameless

Let's begin with the purpose of the video. Remember, while we are all having fun here, 100% of my content in one way or another has the sole purpose of promoting my family business. This includes making authentic, funny content to retain value to the consumers (ya you).. But even simple funny content is part of the bigger picture. AND I happen to love doing it.. win/win.

Anyway. This particular video had the purpose of becoming a paid Facebook ad to promote our little Bomb Squad, because that's what we have a lot of atm that we can actually sell/fulfill ASAP. 

The way I look at it: If I can make a funny TikTok video worth watching, it will also make a great ad. The people want to be entertained. This is how we originally "went viral" to begin with and I'll be straight up with you - that shit is addicting. I'll probably be chasing that high for the rest of my life. One videochanged our lives, overnight. Because the internet is a massive, unpredictable beast. 

So.. I don't hesitate to go the extra mile. You know, really "go there" or be extrato get the job done. It usually pays off :) and what do I have to lose? dignity? respect? Ya. no. I gave my last fuck a good while ago. 

#ta-ta-fucks
I just can't really help myself.. 
Oh yeah the video. 

So I need to sell these little Bomb Squad packs.. I usually start by thinking of funny ideas for videos and casually bring up my ideas to everyone around me to see what will get the most laughs at a concept level.. I'll even pitch my ideas to my kids, because, what the hell, ya know.

I ran this idea by Auntie April when she was here:

"What if I was running to my bathtub ripping off my clothes, like I couldn't get in the tub quick enough.. But not like sexy or slutty, just in a funny way.."

I got an audible chuckle.. and. BOOM.  That was all the confidence I needed. 
Before I knew it I was breaking into my neighbor's mailbox, then stalking movement in all surrounding areas of my house until my neighbors left their homes in order to film myself stripping in my own driveway without being seen...
We don't actually have a mailbox... we use the P.O. so this scene was a little risky. I just pulled over on the side of the road near my home and picked the neatest looking mailbox. Of course, it was packed full of mail which made me feel even weirder. An empty box would have been weird too, I guess, idk.. I definitely didn't look at any of it I just stuffed my bombs in the box and did the dirty as quickly as I could.

How awkward would have be to have been spotted filming a strangers mailbox [insert nothing, I didn't do it, emoji].
From here, things continued to get really fucking awkward. I needed to run from my car as if I couldn't wait to get in the tub.. stripping my clothes in the front yard and leaving the door open. 

This took a fuck load of takes.

Ok.. only 3 takes but when you're doing something weird, where people can see you it feels like ETERNITY!!!

The first take the door closed because our driveway is sloped. The second take I realized it took me too long to unzip my vest so I "pre-un-zipped" it in advance for the third take - which I didn't even watch before I quit and went inside because the odds of someone calling the police to report my strange behavior were getting higher by the minute..

I was like: that last one better be good enough because I am not putting myself through this again. - I actually took a really hard fall on the ice the night before and am REALLY fucking SORE all over my entire body. I've been scooching around with the old lady limp for two days and for this scene and the stairs scene I had to really cringe through it. That's how dedicated I am to bomb marketing [insert flexing bicep emoji].
Here you can see me being a weirdo from another angle from our *security camera. Even my horse on the left side there was like "wtf is this bitch doing??". The random chair behind me is what was holding up my water bottle, which was holding up my phone that was recording this whack scene. I have to get really creative because I film all these videos by myself.. ya. it is literally easier to get a chair to get the right angle than it is to get Casey to do it (no offense, Casey, love you). #husbandsoftiktok #chairsoftiktok

*We recently installed cameras at home and at HQ because I got a very disturbing hate mail that made me fear for my family :( I have been hesitant to even tell you email peepers because I swear you all get more worked up than I do about the haters.. I'll show a screen shot at the bottom because I know y'all will be asking about it. In exchange, you have to promise not to worry.. muah.
This scene seems normal.. right??
Nope, even this short scene took an extra level of crazy.. to simply show that I was starting the bath for basic plot development...
I had to first unload this pile of bullshit sharks and boats and cups from the tub into the sink so it wouldn't take away from the scene.. I usually shower while standing on all of these hazards. because kids. and my empty fuck account. 

Not Sookie, though, she's not part of the bullshit pile. She's just a little angel-y princess who wants to be involved because the kids weren't home. Isn't she sooo cute. awh.
Speaking of kitties, please tell me at least a few of you laughed at my pussy reference here?? It's so adorable.. kneading the dough.. [insert kitty emoji] [insert peach emoji] [insert O-face emoji] 

No, you wouldn't have seen my Va Jay Jay either way, because my legs aren't that short.. but I knew some folks would be looking - because who wouldn't.

In past bath bomb videos people write me and are like: "you know you can see your naked reflection in the tub drain thing, right?!?"

and I'm like: "Did you fucking pause that shit and zoom in on my distorted tits?? Have you ever heard of Porn hub? You can get waaay better shit for free.. just sayin'."
I'm still a tiny bit worried about photos of me from college that might be floating around out there (sorry dad).. But also, I'm not supes worried because, I still had it back then, you know, before having a baby and before my tits got suckled down to old smoker lady versions of what they were before nursing. It would probably be good for business if some of them did actually surface (anybody out there??).. There's no such thing as bad publicity they say [insert white girl shrugging and flashing her boobs emoji] (Also, not a fucking chance of me showing my boobs on here or in email replies so don't ask - only I can ask for pics of my boobs, ok.. yes, I'm an only child so this logic is perfect to me).
DISCLAIMER: If you're going to sext with a broken ass screen, please use protection.
In an email where I am talkin' up our bombs a bunch, it only seems appropriate for my very first discount code that has the actual word "fuck" in it. Pretty bold I guess. I'm feeling especially confident tonight for some reason so here goes nothing... Enjoy 10% off of your next order with discount code:

TA-TA-FUCKS

This trashy code is valid until December 21, 2020 (at 11:59 pm AK time) because that's Casey's birthday and I usually don't know what day to pick to end these offers.. It's also winter solstice, yay :) 

Just an FYI we are completely caught up on order fulfillment!! The first handful of orders put in tonight/tomorrow will *very likely go out in time to be delivered by Christmas.. who knew! Orders with culinary salt or chocolate bars might be held up a day or two but otherwise we are really doin our thang at Salt Co and getting into the swing of things!!

*I refuse to promise delivery in time for Christmas because who the fuck knows what could happen to a package between Alaska and wherever it's going.. We're hustlin' though! And we are happy to write excuses for gifts that arrive late :) Just give us some details in the order notes.
Alright. I know some of you are wondering about the latest hate mail. It actually wasn't a hate mail, it was a public business review on Facebook, one that "doesn't recommend" our company.

Before you read, there are some things I'd like you to know:

1. The things that were said don't bother me one bit, because they simply aren't true. And, I'm not just saying this, I really, really don't give a shit.
2. The post was made from a fake account and after I replied to the review, the account was deleted (or we were blocked from it) and the review was taken down.
3. The accusations don't bother me, however, what does bother me is that someone went to pretty great lengths to publicly post a personal attack. No one is scarier than someone with a bunch of time on their hands.. which you must have if you're creating fake social media accounts to bully people online. If someone is willing to go this far, then how far? In my opinion, this is next level crazy... hence security cameras.
4. I know in my soul who did it. It's not their first attempt to sabotage our business either.. so we will be working with professionals to get to the bottom of this before something horrible happens to me, my family or my business.. 

Anyway.. here it is:
I guess to be fair, I did share a picture of a wet pussy in this email [insert crying laughing emoji]. And I personally believe we could all benefit from a little counseling.

Moving on....

There are silver linings to everything. Now that we have cameras recording things everywhere, I know this is going to take our TikTok game next level. Too bad we didn't have them installed before I busted my ass (and elbow and hip) on the ice at work the other night. 
Ha!!

With that, I'm outta here. signing off at 1:22 am ALASKA TIME. 

Just going to bust out one quick TikTok vid and hit the hay.

Good night, good morning, good day whoever, wherever you are. 

May you be blessed with laughter and warm hugs and some good ass salt.

xoxo - Brit [SALT LADY]

PS excuse my grammar errors/typos. tiz late witch meens I don't have no editers (Holly and Casey are sleeping lol byee)

Leave a comment

Please note, comments must be approved before they are published