If you missed the suspenseful drama in the last email, you'll probably want to read it.
[Britni] Boy. Do we ever have something extra special worked up for you in this special edition of the Salt Co. Diaries....
I am so excited. There have been months of planning that have lead to this moment, where I am writing the email to launch this very special, new product on the last minute of the deadline that I created for myself in my head. As a business owner/entrepreneur (guys, I still can't spell that fucking word correctly on the first try, pretty embarrassing in my line of work), I have to make up these goals and deadlines and share them with others to create this pressure on myself to get shit done. Because there is no one else to tell me what to do and when to do it. I could write this email tomorrow, and in the scheme of things, not much would be different.
BUT. I SAID I WOULD. to myself.
And, I don't always do everything I say I'm going to do, because I am not an actual superhero and time is an elusive mother fucker that is always getting by me. But damn it I sure have to try.
Anyhoo. Here I am writing on the day of my made up "deadline" about our new product launch and Holly is at her house getting things nice and neat on the back end, adding new product photos and descriptions. This is the magical hour, after my kids get in bed that I actually just get shit done. I've been thinking about this email all day.
I guess I gotta just get right to it.
Fucking love this ^ movie btw.
Many of you already know and love our famous bomb squad. Our delightful little bombs that have really ridiculous names. Long ago I wrote an email about each of these little bombs and made up stories about how they came to be Orangegasm and Mermaid Nipples and so on..
But that was a long time ago, before the TikTok Explosion (if you're like supes new, read this email) and most of you who are reading now, don't know the whole story behind these little sales powerhouses. Fun fact: We sell more bath bombs than anything else in our product line. [insert mind blown by a bath bomb emoji].
AND THE REASON WHY IS SO OBVIOUS!!
They are adorable and have funny names. Aaaand they are actually fantastic in the bath so people come back for more. As an entreprenueerererer, I've contemplated this so much and have come to the conclusion that we need MUCH MORE of this as we develop our brand. More products like this.
Waaay back in the summer, while standing in our Spit Shop I had this idea:
"The bath bombs should have a matching line of candles".
[insert "I'm not gonna do it girl, no. I'm not gonna do it. I did it" audio]
WE. FUCKING. DID. IT.
Per usual, these "labels" were printed on copy paper and taped on by yours truly. The real labes will be in next week so these beauties are of course, available for pre-order and will ship next week :)
And YES. of course my mama made them :) Oh they are so fantastic and everything I hoped that they would be. They smell so good and each one has a funny little description on the back. Ah! so fun.
So, this is the perfect time, to tell the story behind each of these fantastic fragrances. And for the oldies, who have already read them, I spiced them up a bit and Socially Distant is a newbie since then.
Saddle up!
Another one of my all time faves ^
*Please keep in mind that these labels are shit. and these awful pics were taken by me with my phone while I was supposed to be engaging with my children. The amazing new, waterproof labels designed by Holly will be WAY better. But the candles are fucking awesome.
Yay. Let's start with my personal favorite:
Leave Me Alone Time.
Did you have a rough day at work? Are you over pretending to look engaged in Zoom meetings? Just got your needy ass kids to bed? Are you sick of everyone besides yourself? Do you catch yourself being mean to others for no tangible reason?
If you answered, “yes” to any of these questions, sounds like you need some Leave Me Alone Time, or, you are just menstruating. Either way.
Light this bitch up to send the signal. No need to burden yourself with trying to find polite ways of telling your loved ones to "fuck off". They will simply smell this lovely, familiar smell and know it is time to leave you alone.
#agenltefuckoff
*disclaimer: jokes about menstruation aren’t funny. period.
Up next: Baby Moose Toots
Once, a Salt Co. staff person (who prefers to remain unidentified) was driving to work and BAM whacked a moose with their truck. It died instantly. Sadly, the now very dead moose had a little calf in tow. So, obviously, the staff person scooped up that little moose baby and brought it to our HQ because they were running late for a staff meeting. After arguing about it like everything else at Salt Co., we all eventually agreed that the only place we could fit the baby moose was in the bath bomb making room, giving this particular batch o' bombs a unique fragrance, butt, an adorable name. [insert wink emoji] [insert peach emoji] (see what I did there) [insert pointing out your own puns emoji]
#alaskanbambifarts
*disclaimer: This story is obviously made up because moose never die instantly after being hit by a vehicle..
Orangegasm
Have you ever smelled an orange smell that smelled so good…. Soooo, so, so good, like really, really good. So good that your eyes rolled back in your head and your toes curled and
OH GOD
you wish you could just keep smelling it until the end of time? Well... that was what happened in the kitchen on the day we made and named these bath bombs. enjoy.
#twoisbetterthanone
*disclaimer: If you are offended by oranges or orgasms please write us, we want to hear about it. Just send us an email to getoverit@noonegivesafuck.com with the subject line "I am a prude ass bitch" and someone will gladly help you through this crisis you're experiencing.
Now, if you watched that, and seriously came back to this email. God bless your fucking soul. That is some commitment right there. It means so much to me that you would return from such a place.
OK, we can't put that link on the candle label so:
Imagine yourself on a solo walk in the forest, only to stumble upon a pair of big biceps on a hot, sweaty sex machine in plaid and Carhart pants - confidently chopping firewood into helpless little splinters. That's what this candle smells like.
#ilikewood
*disclaimer: we don't have permission from Mr. Thor or Carhart to talk about them in this marketing email so please don't nark on us. Good vibes only here promoting both of those brands :)
Socially Distant
There's one good thing that came from the year 2020: some god damn space in the Post Office line. Why wasn't 6 feet of personal bubble a thing before? Back the fuck up, bro... all breathing down my neck and shit. We're all going to get there at the same time, and no one is going to cut you besides maybe me for being all up in my business. Just fucking scoot back a little. Jesus.
#fuckingfinally
*disclaimer: I don't promote violence of any kind and this candle smells like black cherry.
All of the fun names actually started with this one: Mermaid Nipples The original fragrance name was "salty mariner" or something.. and I was like, no. We can do better.
Have you ever wondered what was behind those glittery, scallop shell bralettes of deep sea maidens? It has been the best kept secret among pirates and mermen for centuries. Well, we don’t know what’s going on under those scandalous shells either but a Salt Co. staff person sniffed a mermaid nipple in the dark once and recreated the smell just for this bath bomb.
You MUST be wondering what this smells like.. we've done the hard work for ya so you don't have to get wet. or slapped. You just have to buy the damn candle.
#NipSniff
*disclaimer: This story is clearly made up because you can’t sniff underwater and live to tell about it.
There you go salties. The stories behind our bomb squad and now our candle line!!! We have fun with them :)
If you buy ONE OF EACH NEW CANDLE (or any combo of 6), enjoy $10.00 off of your order with this discount code:
ALASKANBAMBIFARTS
This offer is valid until 1-22-21 at 11:59 pm AK time.
If you don't already have a reason to buy 6 candles, chew on this: whenever it's someone's birthday I forgot about, or Valentine's Day, or an anniversary, I'm pretty glad when I have a little stockpile of handmade things from small businesses like this :) just sayin. Totally biased and car salesman-y. But just sayin. Also, you'd get free shipping. Just sayin though.
#justsayin
And my mom made them.
Just sayin.
I didn't describe the actual fragrance or reveal what funny descriptions are on the candles on purpose You’ll just have to buy one or six to find out. Nothing criminal, just tryna pay bills in winter over here.
rachel north
You ARE a superhero, Britni. And one kickass e-n-t-r-e-p-r-e-n-e-u-r. XOXO